About 20 years ago, Cara Graver, a life coach from Chester Springs, came across a form of verbal communication that has continued to benefit her to this day given its timeless approach and effectiveness: compassionate communication, most popularly known as “non-violent communication.”
Graver was forming a profession as a holistic life coach at the time and realized that this particular tool was essential to general mental health for all people and their family dynamics.
Founded by author Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D., Graver was introduced to the process of compassionate communication through a friend.
“It was a new way of communicating for me at the time, which taught me a way of understanding and being with other people in the world,“ Graver said. “I could see the way it would benefit clients as I was learning, teaching and practicing it myself.”
It’s a form of verbal exchange that empowers the user with the necessary tools to control one’s impulse to argue.
“With compassionate communication, you take responsibility and you have control,” she said. “I needed to be able to talk to everyone in my life differently than how I had been trained to talk when growing up in the 1950s.”
Unlocking this gem
Graver emphasized that the most important part of unlocking this gem of communication is the inner process that precedes what we say. A compassionate communication approach provides the understanding that we are best served by directing ourselves to find out what needs we’re trying to get met.
She explained that an argument is a strategy to get our needs met, but compassionate communication tells us how to use more effective and less costly strategies. Giving an “empathy guess” as to what is going on with the other can illuminate a solution where your partner isn’t the answer, so you can make your own way but still coexist happily in a relationship.
“Traditionally, we tend to blame, demand and manipulate when communicating with others,” Graver said.
For example, if someone is lacking in companionship in their relationship and they use a compassionate communication approach, they get to decide how they want to meet that need and be in charge, instead of looking for answers from someone other than themselves.
This communication approach provides one with a different perspective that can be easily applied to any situation once the concept clicks.
Identify an unmet need
To identify an unmet need, it begins by noticing what you see or hear and you check in with the feeling that comes up. This feeling is triggered by an unmet need.
She explains it’s a simple process to find out what your needs is by choosing from a list of common needs that all people share, such as connection, effectiveness, ease, attention, autonomy and order, to name a few.
”It’s realizing we have the power to get our needs met instead of going the long way around and waiting for someone else to do it,” Graver said. “The crux of it is honoring other people’s needs, but not feeling obligated to have to meet them — we need to take care of our needs first, which is backward from the way most of us have been taught.”
Beyond personal relationships
You can use the strategies of compassionate communication in situations beyond personal relationships, such as at work, in a long line at the post office, or in any social situation.
“It’s something to put to use anytime you want to take back the power to honor your and other people’s needs,” Graver said. “We are the only thing that limits our ability to understand what’s possible, so we can be our best in communicating with others.”
“Introduction to Compassionate Communication” hosted by Cara Graver, an opportunity to start the new year off with brand new tools to enhance your relationships, will be held Sunday, Jan. 5, at the Cob Studio in Chester Springs from 2 to 3:30 p.m. Light refreshments will be served. Register in advance at [email protected] or call 610-761-3278. Suggested donation for the event is $25. Private in-person and virtual life coaching sessions are also available to those in Chester, Montgomery, Berks counties and beyond. For more information, visit www.thecobstudio.com
